It's Not You It's Me-Except It Is You

I finally decided to take a break from a relationship that I have been in every day for over a year. This relationship has determined whether I would be happy or sad and it has messed up my thinking each day.

Last night, the scale and I decided to take a break.

Yep, it was a good run. I had fun every morning when I woke up and those numbers were lower. But soon, I started to get obsessive about seeing those numbers go lower.

If I started the day and the numbers were lower, I would be in a good mood.
If the numbers were higher, I would be in a bad mood. Then all of a sudden it would seem like a chore to eat well, rather than something that is just naturally healthy for my body. Exercise seemed like something I HAD to do rather than something I wanted to do.

But the biggest problem in our relationship occurred over the last two weeks. I started serious weight training a couple of weeks ago. My body has never felt better. I dropped two jeans sizes in two weeks, but the scale shot up 7 lbs.

All of a sudden I'm completely insecure about my weight loss..even though I am SMALLER than I have been since my freshmen year in high school.

Enough is enough.

This isn't forever but it's definitelytime  to take a break and listen to my body, rather than a number.

I'm Back-The Shortest Memory on the Planet

Hey everyone. Sorry I have been off grid for about a week. Last week, I worked like crazy and didn't have a lot of time for other things.

I have also been experimenting with several different ways of eating.

Two weeks ago, I went completely clean and felt amazing. I ate very Paleo-like and my body felt awesome. But then one gluten free corn dog and it all went to hell in a handbasket.

When my body is eating super clean and then I eat one processed food item, my body doesn't know what to do with it. Thus, it gains a TON of weight overnight and it takes me forever to get it back off. When I looked at that, I figured there were two solutions: never eat crap again or live a life of balance.

Isn't balance what this whole journey was about in the first place?

So anyway, I decided to go back to the way of eating that helped me lose 102 lbs in the first place. That is count calories and exercise, create a deficit every day.

This makes me feel less deprived and makes me feel like I have options that I don't have when I eat clean. I'm stubborn and it's weird, but it works.

I already feel more free today than I have in a while.

I also can't tell you how many times I have tried to completely clean up my eating and found myself back here. I have the shortest memory on the planet. Hopefully as I continue the rest of the weight loss journey, I will remember that I can still eat healthy without eating 100% healthy and feeling deprived. The toughest part about weight loss is trying not to speed it up because I don't know about you but whenever I try to speed anything up, I usually end up crashing and burning. Weight loss is no different.

I don't really have any pictures to post today, so I thought I would post a picture of my cousin's graduation.

We celebrated Sara graduating yesterday and it was fun. The best part was the Barefoot Moscato...oh, and celebrating Sara:)

Dang Hormones

Disclaimer: Sorry Men, you probably shouldn't read this

I know I have been a bit of a slacker lately with writing on this blog..sorry everyone. The thing is, last week was so beautiful and sunshiney (word?).

Last week was amazing for me. I ate healthy all week. I completely eliminated dairy from my diet. The food I was consuming consisted of fruits, vegetables, clean meats, nuts, coconut milk..and that's basically it.

I felt like I could rule the world. Last week I lost four pounds (The most weight I have lost in one week in a LONG time) and I had energy galore. In fact, I didn't even have to count calories. My body felt like it had regulated itself. I thought "wow, this is like a whole new world of eating for me."

And then today

BAM...Hormones (Ladies, you know exactly what I mean).

I kept trying to eat healthy all day but I could not get full no matter how many vegetables and fruits I tried to slam down my throat.

Cut to the 4'o clock box of hot tamales.

Dang it! Now I'm not mad at myself for eating sugar. But I am frustrated at myself for eating chemicals.

I guess I still have a ton more learning to do about how to keep from feeling like I'm starving during this week every month.

If anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Weird New Reality

Last night I went to a bar to play poker. Sometimes if I have an open night, I'll go find a venue to play some poker. I don't have a ton of friends who like to play so a lot of times I'll go by myself.

I felt like I was entering the twilight zone.

It seemed like the guys couldn't stop hitting on me. This is weird to me. When you spend most of your life being the "fat girl" or the "fat friend," you don't really get hit on that much.

I kind of started to realize that this journey really just isn't about looking better, it actually changes my interaction with the world. All of a sudden I went from the invisible one to the visible one.

I think there is another interesting observation that I had. When you don't have looks on your side growing up, you really have to hone your personality. Usually fat girls are funny and charming and they just become the "funny, charming fat friend."

So when the funny, charming fat friend becomes the funny, charming hot friend all of a sudden the worlds gets shifted upside down.

There isn't really a whole lot of thought related to this blog post, I'm just sharing something that I kind of thought was interesting and also, I'm enjoying this new reality:)

I didn't really have a picture to share today so I thought I'd share this quote:)

Taking Time For Food

Last night I found myself at the grocery store at 9 o'clock at night after a long work day buying bananas, apples, pineapple and chicken.

I think what has surprised me most about this weight loss journey is that I have to spend so much extra time on food. I look at food like exercise now. I have to carve out at least 60 minutes in my day for exercise. But I also need to carve out 30 minutes a day for food.

I have learned that if I keep healthy foods on hand and in abundance, I will be much less likely to stop for a candy bar or chips in the day. That is why I was at the store last night. I knew if I woke up and didn't have any bananas on hand, I would desire a candy bar.

It takes a good 15-20 minutes to prepare my food for a long work day. I have to make my smoothie in the morning and freeze it so if can withstand being in my car in 90 degree weather. I have to freeze a water bottle for the same reason (I talk so much for my job I have learned if I don't ALWAYS have water available, I will find myself eating sugar).

I also have to prepare snacks throughout the day, enough that I may not eat them all but I have enough so I don't stop somewhere else for a snack that will be a lot less healthy. Usually these snacks involve some sort of fruit (apple, banana, etc) and protein (usually peanut butter).

But either way, what I have noticed is that on the front end it takes a lot more time to prepare these foods. However, on the back end if I prepare these foods I eat a lot healthier, thus have a lot more energy throughout the day. I think that eventually leads to either more time or at least a better use of that time.

A Minute Difference

It seems that Tuesdays have inadvertently become my "speed training" days. Mostly, it is because I don't tend to have as much time on Tuesday mornings so I need a shorter workout. Today it was run one mile as fast as possible, walk one mile, then do 10 minutes of Kettlebell training.

I got so nervous going out there and running one mile as fast as possible. I kept asking myself.."what if that 11:10 mile from last week was a fluke?..what if I'm not actually making progress?"

I went out there and ran as fast as I could. I actually felt like I was going to be sick at one point. The result?

Yep, you are seeing that correctly. I ran a 10:10 minute mile. I couldn't believe it. In one week I beat my previous mile time by a whole minute. I can't remember EVER running a 10 minute mile time in my life. I remember running the mile in elementary school in roughly 11 minutes or so.

So on that note, the morning was pretty much awesome. I can't wait to see the mile time by the end of the summer:)

Food Changes I Never Thought I'd Make

As I sit here contemplating doing the Whole 30, a part of me (the immature, whiny child side of me) is like "But that means I can't eat...(fill in the blank..or the sugar product)"

But when I think about it, there are some serious changes that I have already made in my diet that I never thought I would make. In fact, if you would have told me four years ago about some of these changes, I would have told you that you were crazy. Then again, two years ago if you would have told me about more of these changes, I would have said I would never be successful. And yet, many of these changes have been made.

1. Gluten, I always knew this would be the first thing I would have to give up and gave this up long before I started being serious about weight loss or help for my eating disorder. Either way though, at one point in my life I would have told you it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to live without Valentino's sugar twist breadsticks.

2. Milk, I gave this up probably about a year and a half ago just out of necessity. This was actually one of the easiest switches I made over to Soy and then eventually Coconut milk.

3. Ice Cream, I'm not actually even sure when this happened. Just at some point I realized I don't eat ice cream anymore. This is one of those items that I think I eventually just got sick of how I felt after I ate it so I didn't eat anymore.

4. Yogurt-again, I don't even remember when I consciously gave this up. This used to be a daily, sometimes two times a day staple in my diet. I am kind of craving it right now actually. But honestly, this is another one of those food items that just isn't worth it.

5. Cheese-this is newer (like a month ago newer). Actually, going a month without my gluten free pizza feels a lot less strange than I thought I would. Two weeks ago after coming home from being out of town I saw a frozen gluten free pizza at Trader Joes, almost bought it, then remembered how incredibly crappy cheese makes me feel. Weird.

6. Coffee Creamer- I drink my coffee with coconut milk or completely black now. It doesn't even faze me, which is completely bizarre. 

So as I sit here eating spinach leaves out of the bag like they are potato chips (yes, I really am doing that right now)..I wonder.."Who is this person?" and think..I might be ready to experience something as amazing as the Whole 30 after all.

I'll keep you posted:)
http://whole9life.com/category/whole-30/

It Finally Happened: I'm Addicted

Right up until I ran the half-marathon, I would have told you that I wasn't sure if I liked running or not. I couldn't decide whether I liked walking or running better. Both provide mental and physical benefits, walking is less taxing on the body, etc.

Even after I ran the half-marathon, I was kind of thinking...should I keep running? Should I go back to walking?

After today, I have to say I have drank the kool-aid. I am all in.

I'm addicted to running.

Today I went out and decided I was going to do the fastest mile I could possibly do. I have been sitting between 13 and 15 minute miles on average so I was thinking "Maybe I can push a 12 minute mile?"

I went out and ran the fastest mile I could run and I ended up running an 11:10 mile. Do you know the last time I ran an 11:10 mile?

Neither do I.

That is the FASTEST I have ever gone out and run a whole mile, no walking. My mind immediately started thinking. If I can do one 11:10 mile, then I could probably do two. Imagine if I kept running this way and signed up for the Omaha Half-Marathon how much my time would improve?

Folks, I think I have a problem:)

Half Marathon Day-This is Only the Beginning

Today was my half-marathon. It was a great day (minus the 40 degree weather, not my favorite running temperature.)

I started last night with dinner with my friend, Erin.

We went to Hectors and had margaritas, chips and salsa and tacos. This is probably NOT what my Runner's World suggests for a pre-race dinner, but I wouldn't change it for the world:)

Then last night my roommate Tami and I (who was also running the race) stayed up until 1am talking about the race. Knowing I had to get up at 4am, this was also probably not the best idea I have ever had.

Either way, I don't think either of these choices really affected my running at all. I would say the ONLY thing I wish I would have done differently is taken a protein bar or something on the run. I ate breakfast at 4:30am, didn't start running until 7:45am and completely ran out of gas by mile 9. I think this could have been solved had I made different "fueling choices."

This run was super meaningful to me because 9 years ago when I was 21, I did the half-marathon in Lincoln. I wasn't trained for it and I weighed more than I do now. My "run" time was just under 4 hours. Many walkers passed me and I was one of the last people to cross the finish line. I realized how many fears from the race played into my race today. For instance, I was fearful I would get lost because last time I ran the race I was so slow that they had started picking up the cones already. I was also fearful that there would be no water stops because they had also picked those up by the time I was finishing last time.

This race I was still running a slower pace but significantly faster than I had run before. I kept with the crowd the whole time and finished in a reasonable time (3:18). The water stops were plentiful, the roads still had cones and there were people actually trying to catch me (which was the coolest thing to hear).

Finishing the race on Memorial Field was incredibly cool. I had a little bit of energy left in me to sprint the last tenth of a mile and it was AWESOME!

The hardest part of the race for me was running my own race rather than anyone else's. It was hard for me to not try to keep up with runners but rather run the pace that I knew my body could sustain for the duration of the race. It was also awesome to actually pass some people. The race results said I passed 31 people during the race.

I am currently addicted to running this race and am already planning to keep running and possibly finish the race in 2:18 next year (I figure with a whole year of training and getting to my goal weight of 80lbs lighter than I am now, this should be extremely doable.)

Here are some pictures of the race.

The first picture is my roommate, Tami, and I finishing the race. Tami is also awesome, has lost 80lbs and finished the race in her personal best of 2:33. The second picture is of Tami and her fiancee, Grant. Grant was awesome enough to drive us to the race and to hold onto our stuff while we were running.

My mantra during the race was "this is only the beginning" and I truly feel that way. I can't wait to see what other things God has in store for me on this journey of weight loss and becoming an athlete:)

Back to My Stomping Grounds

This weekend I had a family gathering. I had to leave on Saturday morning to drop off my rental car (car problems) and I still had to do a training run on Saturday.

Usually, when I go back to my parents house I don't do much. So I was super proud of myself for going on a 10 mile run while out of town.

It actually was pretty rewarding. I walked from my parents house to the trail. The trail then goes into a recreational area called Yanney Park which is really cool, and you can find more about it here http://yanneypark.org/.

It was sooo fun to go on a long run in a new area because I didn't know what to expect. Plus, the Kearney Trail is really clean.

Then I had a family time. This involved shooting guns (not me, I don't trust myself not to turn and talk to someone with a gun in my hand:), playing cards and games and just fun old family time. But what changed for me was that usually I leave these family gatherings and absolutely hate any of the pictures with me in them. This time that wasn't true. I was actually pretty excited about some of the pictures.

Minus the fact that I still can't wait for my legs to get smaller (it takes forever). I was pretty happy with all the pictures I was in. Very cool. (Pictures courtesy of my aunt, Jennifer Scheidies).