I hate winter weather

So today we have another day with subzero temperatures. I HATE cold weather. But I really hate cold weather when I'm training for a marathon. The treadmill and I do not get along. I have lost a ton of motivation for training when I can't run outside. So here is what I'm learning through this process: do it anyway. Yep, even if I drag my butt to the gym kicking and screaming, I will still make progress if I at least go. Then once I jump on the treadmill, I usually will finish my mileage. However, I honestly cannot wait until the sun starts shining and snow starts disappearing. I NEED to run on the trail again. Happy Thursday!

Sleep

I couldn't fall asleep last night and then I tossed and turned all night. This is why sleep is important: this morning I woke up and was starving and then I had no desire to run. I ate my food but kept it to a "normal" breakfast (rather than eating my whole kitchen like I wanted to). Now I'm sitting on a chair and thinking about going for a run. I don't want to because I'm tired. I hate that. But even so, I am going to lace up my shoes and force myself to go before the snow hits (doubt I will be running outside tomorrow).

I am currently looking for an option to help me sleep better. After a good night's sleep, I feel refreshed, my appetite is regulated and I could run for hours. But those sleep nights are few and far between and are usually the result of taking a Tylenol PM. I DON'T like taking a pill to help me sleep. So I'm looking for other options.

But if you are one of the lucky ones who sleep well, I say take advantage of it. It would definitely make my life easier.

Doing Something Different

So last week I found myself eating like crap. I had two days with major binges and just felt like crap. So I made the decision (I have been thinking about this for a while) to join weight watchers. I never really wanted to join weight watchers in the past because I liked my simple menu planning and calorie counting version of weight loss.

However, I firmly believe that when you are stuck, you need to try something new. So that is what I was doing.

The leader of this Weight Watcher's meeting was very awesome. And even more importantly, she understood what it was like to live a gluten free lifestyle, which I have been doing for the past three years.

Needless to say, I think the community aspect will actually the be good for me.

The first 90 lbs I wanted and needed to do on my own. I needed to so it for me and not for anyone else. But I still have so much of my journey left and I think it might be nice to bounce ideas off of other people for a change.

Plus, I haven't told you the single most important reason why it was probably good that I joined Weight Watchers.

A small 220 calorie package of Starburst is 7 pts.

Yep, you heard me. I think this is good because the new points system takes Carbs into effect when counting points, and frankly, I have a candy problem.

So I won't be able to eat as much candy as I have in the past. Thank God. I'll let you know how it goes. Three days in and so far so good.

Taking Care of Yourself

Today, I am sitting at home, sick. I am supposed to run six miles today so I am having a major problem with this. I think this sickness is the culmination of several days where I did not get enough sleep, coupled with eating out and driving in very cold weather without heat. Either way, it means I need to take care of myself.

Did you ever get into a habit of eating crappy foods when you were sick? I did.

This is the first sickness where I intend to load my body with clean foods: vegetables, fruits, healthy proteins, etc. in hopes that this sickness will only last one day.

Here's to a sick day! (a lot more fun when you are a kid, I think.)

Making Decisions For the Right Reasons.

Tonight I almost went to the gym for the second time today. I didn't need to. This morning I ran five miles for my marathon training and I stuck to my calorie limit today without a problem. But I had an overwhelming need to go to the gym because I'm in the midst of a lot of friends getting engaged and getting married and having kids and a small part of me thought that if I could just get to the gym and move this weight loss along faster, than I might meet the right guy.

But I can't do weight loss for that reason. If I do weight loss for any reason other than the fact that I want to be healthy for me, then it won't stick. If I try to push it faster than it wants to go, then I might put it back on again.

So I didn't let myself go to the gym for the second time. I'm trying to live a life of balance and make choices that will last a lifetime. I have to meet a guy who appreciates that and until then I am flying solo. Even if it sucks.

Before Denver- Wrapping my head around my body

For those of you who know me. You may know that I put a lot of weight on when I went to Denver for graduate school. You may also know that I went through a period of depression, loneliness and isolation. It was a weird time. It was a time where I became someone I didn't really recognize (I'm not really the isolation type of person.) It was a time where my eating disorder completely went out of control. I couldn't control my body and I couldn't control my appetite. Everything was out of control. I was holding onto my faith in God like a life rope because that felt like all I had.

Yesterday, I weighed in at my "before Denver" weight. I just kept staring at the number. I couldn't believe it.

Something changed in me yesterday. I've been trying to wrap my head around it ever since.

It's not that I want to erase my time in Denver. It shook me to my very core. It made me stronger in a lot of ways. My faith increased. I dealt with a lot of fear. My friendships that sustained during that time became true friendships, because if people could put up with me during that time, I knew they were in this for the long haul.

But the weight loss. It makes me feel like I am healed. I am free from all of the lies that I dealt with during that time. All of the negative self-talk that I picked up during that time is done. It was like I have been tried by fire and come out stronger on the other side.

Shedding the weight is like shedding three years of burdens.

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."- Harriet Beecher Stowe

Fear

My friend and I were discussing fear today. Both of us are training for a marathon and have found that our bodies can go for a long time, but our minds really want to shut us down. Yesterday, I ran five miles. At 2.5, I wanted to quit. Every part of me screamed to quit.

See, when you spend your life being the “fat girl,” it’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that you’ve lost weight, and then you can workout, and then all of a sudden you look around and find that you are becoming an athlete. There is some self-talk that goes “who do you think you are?”

When I finished the five miles yesterday, I cried. All of a sudden I was becoming a new person, I was saying no to the fearful and stagnate Cassie of yesterday and saying that I want something more for my life. “Just enough” is not enough anymore. I want to soar. And in that, I hope to help others find freedom as well.

"The resistance is that little voice in your head that causes you to doubt, to stumble, to use the “old way” of doing things and to take the easy, safe path...Screw the Resistance"- Shelli Martineau-Epic Weight Loss Journey

Stress Eating

The other day I had car problems. I got stranded an hour away from town and had to drive back with a tow truck driver. Then I had to call my friend to pick me up from the mechanic after finding out my car needed repairs to the tune of $800.

Immediately, I wanted M&M's.

Instead, I cooked up chicken, potatoes, and mushrooms. Who is this person?

I was so used to emotional eating in my life, that immediately when something bad happens, I want candy. I think the difference between me then and now is that I realize I have a choice. I can choose to make a bad day worse by stuffing my face with crap, gaining a couple of lbs, and feeling terrible the next day. Or I can choose to continue healthy eating even when life is stressful. Even these days, many times I choose the first one. So, to be honest, it was nice to choose the second one for once. I didn't ruin my progress over a bad day. I simply picked up where I left off. All that to say, I'm still learning, still moving and still realizing that each good decision is helping me get closer to where I want to go.

Knowing Yourself and Making Allowances for That

Check out this salad

This salad is a delicious mixture of Spinach, Grapes, Chicken, and carrots. It's extremely healthy and makes me feel like I can run for miles.

Yah, this is sooo not what I ate for lunch today.

Instead, I had Gluten Free Mac and Cheese from Trader Joes (Made with Coconut Milk) and an all-beef hot dog. Why? I was in the mood for comfort food. I had no desire for vegetables today and seriously, why eat spinach when you can have cheesy noodles and processed beef?

But you know what? I bet I still lose weight today. Because I keep learning over and over again that I am not perfect. Sure, there are days when I eat healthy, unprocessed food every day and feel like superwoman. But then all of a sudden, there are M&M's and I like M&M's.

The difference between me now and 90lbs ago Cassie is that I can eat M&M's now and still lose weight. Why? Because I don't live life like I "messed up" and am going to throw out the whole day. I eat my M&M's, I eat my Mac and Cheese and I fit it into my calories. This has given me so much freedom to eat and enjoy wonderful foods every day without going crazy. So if you are struggling with an "All of Nothing" mentality like I used to, I would suggest revising your eating. Because you can have your cake and eat it too, just also try to eat an apple in there somewhere:)

What? You Mean I Can't Make Excuses to Eat Candy Anymore?

It's funny the excuses that we make for ourselves..especially during the holidays. Excuses that I have made for myself include (but are not limited to..)

It's Thanksgiving- I can eat crap
It's a holiday party- I can eat crap
It's Tuesday-I can eat crap
It's my day off-I can eat crap
It's Christmas Eve- I can eat crap
It's Christmas Day- I can eat crap
It's New Years Eve- I can eat crap- coupled by, I won't eat any crap starting in the New Year...haha

I read on a blog once about a girl who didn't give herself any cheat days because she just fit what she wanted to eat into her calories allowance. I want to practice more of this in 2013. I want to find more balance rather than giving myself cheat days, I want to find balance in my eating in every day life. Right now my eating looks more like: great days where I only eat healthy proteins, fruits, vegetables, etc. and crappy days where I eat out, eat candy, eat processed food, etc. Thankfully I have more great days than crappy days; but I am going to make a concerted effort to merge these days together in which I have the healthy food with the occasional piece of candy and fit it all into my daily calorie allowance. I truly believe this will help me feel more balanced in general. Plus, hopefully it will allow me to feel great every day that I train for a marathon. Right now when I run on my crappy days, I feel like a freight train running into a brick wall. Here's to less freight train and more gazelle in 2013!