Breathing Life

Hey everyone, sorry I have been MIA on here for a while. A few big life changes have happened.

1.       I got married

2.       My husband found out that he is being mobilized to Florida, so we are moving to Florida in a couple of months

3.       My eating disorder came back right after I completed my Whole 30 and I had to see someone again to get that back on track.

As you can see, that is a whole bunch of life changes all at once. But now that everything has slowed down a bit, I have started to think about who and what I want to be in life. I think it’s so easy to get caught up in the mundane of life: Wake up, workout (maybe), work, chores, dinner, TV, bed. We can spend so much time living for Saturdays, hoping for the day where we can sloth around in our pajamas…no one expecting much from us.

I’ve decided I want more.

A few years ago, a good friend of mine told me that she believed that one day I would be a voice to help many hurting women. This has stuck in my mind ever since she told me this.

Lately, I have started to wonder how I begin to live this purpose. You see, the one gift that I have always know that the Lord has given me is words. My words can either throw people a life raft or drown them. I don’t think we realize how much words matter.

Complaining can ruin someone’s entire day. On the flip side, words of encouragement can bring life to someone that doesn’t feel that they can take one more breath.

I’ve decided I want my words to matter. I want the words that I speak to bring life, encouragement, and the grace of Christ to each situation. I want my days to be filled with life giving conversations, encouragement notes, and truth.

I don’t want to live for the next sloth day. I want to live each day as if everyone that I come in contact with is on purpose. ..that the Lord has put that person on my path for a reason.

The reason I am telling you this is because I am going to start investing my time into this blog again. But it’s not going to be about what it was anymore. Rather than investing my time into talking about me, races I have run and things I have accomplished, I want my words to be pointing to something greater. I want to allow my words to bring life and freedom to others again so that they will in turn, choose life. 

“This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” Deuteronomy 30: 19

Freedom to Help: Denied

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. As someone who has gotten into a helping profession because I actually like to help people, I find the noose around my neck filled with paperwork and insurance regulations gets tighter and tighter. Sometimes I think "Maybe there is a better way to help?" But here's the thing...this is happening to everyone! Teacher's who love little kids don't get to teach them or mold them because they are constantly doing assessments, doctors can't actually heal the sick because they have to feed their families and "insurance companies have rules," therapists (myself), social workers, school counselors...everyone is bound by regulation, rules and lawsuits.

When did it become like this? And can it get better?

How do we help DESPITE all the regulation? How to we come back to our roots of loving and learning about others?

I don't have answers but I think I have started to think about it more. It starts with learning. I LOVE learning about how people tick. I love reading stories about people's lives and changes that have actually made a difference in people. But I don't always take the time to learn because I'm always seeing clients or doing paperwork or just..busy. I'm making a commitment to learn about real change in the future.

The next thing I have decided to do more of is truly seeing. I have started to realize that a lot of the regulation came from somewhere. Many times it came from other counselors, teachers, doctor's, etc. who just lost their way. I don't want to become a "regulator." I want to truly see the clients with whom I am working. I want to remember that for this hour, I have the ability to affect life change. I commit to not seeing them as a number, a progress note, a treatment plan, or a paycheck. I choose to see each person as a story, a life that has been shaped by hurt and tears, a lonely human who needs to know that someone truly cares about them and is committed to helping them work through their pain.

The conclusion I have come to thus far is that the only way to truly stop these helping professions from becoming worthless jobs of regulations only, is to stop ourselves from becoming the regulators. We must appreciate each person we are trying to help and maintain the human connection...even if we have to wade through piles of paperwork to do it.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
― Charles Dickens

My Whiplash Year

I have been seeing all of these "My Year" things on Facebook. I thought about doing them but couldn't. Why? Because it's tagged with "It's been a great year."

I honestly can't say that. My year has been...a year. More has happened this year than I think has happened in my entire life put together. Here are the events that have made up this year.

1.      I started a new job

2.      Started dating the Love of my Life

3.      I closed my business

4.      My mom had an accident that turned into spinal surgery, then turned into almost dying several times, then turned into a Trach and stomach tube. Then turned into a miraculous recovery.

5.      During this time, I realized I could trust the Lord in anything, even potentially losing one of the most important people in my life.

6.      My dad’s cancer flared back up, then flared back down.

7.      I ran my second half-marathon, in which my boyfriend (now fiancée) surprised me at the finish line

8.      I quit running for good

9.      My dear friends (and future in-laws) moved away

10.  We celebrated my parents 40^th wedding anniversary (something we didn’t think we would get)

11.  I completed a Whole 30 and changed the way I ate completely

12.  I got engaged to the love of my life

13.  We celebrated my cousin’s wedding

14.  I started weight lifting

15.  I started running again

16.  Then I remembered how much it sucks, and stopped.

17.  I bought a wedding dress that was smaller than the smallest size I have worn since high school

18.  I got randomly chosen to be audited by the IRS

19.  Kurt and I hosted our first Thanksgiving

I have had more laughter, joy, anguish, anxiety, and tears in this year than I have had my ENTIRE life.  Here’s to a completely boring and mundane 2015. Oh wait, I’m getting married…never mind:)

It's All About That Face

I made a choice for my life this morning.

I threw away my scale for good.

I threw away my scale once before when I was really struggling with eating disorder tendencies, but I still always planned on weighing myself for progress.

This time, I don't plan on weighing myself for progress anymore at all. Sure, I will likely still have to weigh in for doctor's offices and insurance policies.

But the scale can no longer control me.

Why did I decide this? One reason, the Whole 30.

After I finished the Whole 30, I got really obsessed with my weight again (a 13 lb loss in 30 days will do that). So I began to struggle with binge eating in a way that I haven't since I got into recovery for this eating disorder three years ago.

I would do the Whole 30 type eating for a few days and then binge eat. At first I blamed the restriction of the program and went back to counting calories for a while. This worked except for one thing: I started to get nosebleeds, headaches, and joint problems.

The Whole 30 is the optimal way for me to eat. I know this and my rational brain wants to eat this way for the rest of my life. As someone who has struggled with an autoimmune disorder and regular sickness for my entire life, I found freedom and wellness in eating the Whole 30 way that I haven't found in my other 31 years of life.

But when I brought the scale back into the equation (you aren't allowed to weigh in on the Whole 30 at all), I found that I began eating this way for weight loss instead. This led me to make decisions based on what would be best for my weight loss (or cause super fast weight loss) than what would be best for my body.

The thing about Whole 30 eating is that my body self-regulates. It feels amazing and energetic and doesn't overeat. Sometimes I might eat more and sometimes I might eat less based on my hormones. But I never felt the crazy sugar or binge eating hangovers that I felt when I eat other food.

My ultimate goal is to get to a place where I am eating like this ALL THE TIME because it's best for me and because I am a more enjoyable and productive individual at social events when I'm eating this way.

I am going to allow myself some indulgences on Thanksgiving and Christmas with the intention of making my normal weekdays and weekends Whole 30 compliant. But I am actually hoping that by next year, I can even get through the holidays eating in this new healthy way.

It's hard to feel that you are missing out on the fun when you can't eat the delicious holiday food and drinks that people make. But what I am starting to learn is that family is fun, games are fun, giving back is fun, and cooking new and healthy dishes are fun. Nosebleeds, brain cloudiness, and energy depletion are not fun...even if that gluten free cupcake is the most delicious thing on earth.

So the scale has to go. Because it can't be about my weight anymore. It has to be about my health...and the weight loss will follow when it's ready.

Also, pictures (and sizes) don't lie.

I weigh the exact same amount in both pictures. But in the second picture I am actually six (yes, SIX) sizes smaller. My body composition is changing and I feel better than I have in years. So, I've decided that I don't need the scale to tell me how to move forward. I am ready to trust myself instead.

Whole 30, Paleo Style, Clean Eating

Recently, I have been looking up a lot of recipes to try to turn Whole 30/Paleo eating into a lifestyle. In doing so, I have come across many blogs knocking the Whole 30 (too restrictive, why would you have to give up legumes, no energy so quit after the 5th day)...are some of the things I am reading.

I wanted to speak to this. First of all, I noticed that not a single person who is knocking the Whole 30 has actually completed a Whole 30. Why? Because most (if not all) people could probably benefit in cleaning up your diet this much and if they had actually tried a Whole 30, they probably wouldn't be knocking it.

People quitting on the 5th day? I probably would have made out with an Ebola patient for a Reece's Peanut Butter cup on the 5th day. Changing your life is hard...it's not easy. But the payoff is well worth it.

The reason that I wanted to speak to this is because of the people that have serious Autoimmune diseases. The Whole 30 would probably save these people's lives, or at least provide a quality of life that they haven't known in 10-20 years.

That's what it did for me.

I remember four years ago when I was trying to go gluten free. I had been diagnosed with Celiac Disease when I was 21 and continued eating it for six years. I just "couldn't" give up my cinnamon rolls and pizza. Because of this, I had ridiculous weight gain, I was sick all the time, and I truly thought that I had Bipolar Disorder (my mood swings were THAT extreme.)

But every time I read something that said "gluten free is crap" or "this lifestyle is too restrictive," it fed my desire to keep eating gluten. This happened until I had an amazing dietician who spoke truth to me (that I actually listened to...sorry mom:). She said "Do you know what HAPPENS to your body every time you eat gluten?" Knowing that, really hearing that, led me to a quality of life that I had never seen before.

Then with the Whole 30, I found a quality of life that I never knew existed.

So here am I to say "Do you know what HAPPENS to your body every time you eat sugar, fast food, and for many people..dairy and grains?" Do you know what happened to my body when I reintroduced legumes? (something that I thought was harmless and even good for me)..every old injury started coming back. I couldn't move for an evening because of back pain.

The thing is..how would you know unless you tried it? It's really only 30 days, for Pete's Sake. Don't listen to the people who can't emotionally divorce themselves from food enough to try it. Listen to the people who have tried it, and came out stronger (and happier) on the other end.

Stress Eating

I finally decided to bite the bullet and work on my stress eating. It has been a difficult, emotional roller coaster week. During the Whole 30, they suggest only eating three meals a day with no snacks. I never really did that and kept snacking throughout. I still had amazing health benefits from my Whole 30, but not as many psychological benefits as I could of. All week I have had three meals a day only and no snacks. My meals consisted of only Whole 30 foods, just because Whole 30 foods make me feel amazing and don't rev up any sugar cravings.

It has been HARD. Because I've never truly addressed my stress eating in a way where I wasn't allowed to do it at all. Every time I have been stressed this week, I have had to find another avenue rather than food to deal with it.

I broke down on the phone with my mom on Tuesday just because I was soooo emotional and could not eat those emotions. I would have told you before that I was a stress eater "sometimes," but I didn't realize how much and often I use food to cope with stress. When I was on the Whole 30, I still used "healthy" foods to cope with my stress. It's amazing the hold it has on me.

So, I've been taking a lot of walks, having a lot of conversations, and I have two stress balls in my car that I have squeezed the life out of. Right now, I am experiencing a lot of stress and I am choosing to write this blog rather than go get M&M's from the store. This is a journey that rather than doing it for 30 days or 100 days, I am just going to take one day at a time. TODAY, I'm not going to eat my stress. And it's hard.

Why Quitting Was the Answer

I quit my Whole 100 yesterday.

What came with this? Sigh's of relief, joy, elation, and freedom.

My Whole 30 was amazing, incredible, freeing, and eye opening. My Whole 100 was stressful, frustrating, irritating and imprisoning.

After spending time seeking some counsel on this issue from people I care about. I realized that I had started my Whole 100 out of an unhealthy place. I struggled with an eating disorder for 10 years and sometimes it rears up its ugly head again. That's what was happening during the Whole 100.

See, after I finished the Whole 30, I struggled a bit with sugar cravings. But I had felt so free and good and amazing on the Whole 30, that I decided I wanted to eat like this forever. So I decided to control my eating again..for 100 days.

By the way, even the Whole 30 people kind of tell you not to do this for 100 days. It's an amazing, incredible cleanse. But it's a cleanse because it's very clean and very difficult. My brain was filled with stress over this.

Also, this current season of my life has been filled with stress. I am wedding planning and recently found out I'm one of the few lucky ones that got randomly selected to be audited by the IRS for statistical reasons. This is not a season of life where I want to cook every meal.

But that doesn't mean I am going off the rails. I am still choosing to put in 20 miles a week of either walking or running. And most of my meals are still Paleo as that is what makes me feel best. It's just that this morning, I'm eating...and thoroughly enjoying...my gluten free oatmeal. And I couldn't be happier:)