I made a choice for my life this morning.
I threw away my scale for good.
I threw away my scale once before when I was really struggling with eating disorder tendencies, but I still always planned on weighing myself for progress.
This time, I don't plan on weighing myself for progress anymore at all. Sure, I will likely still have to weigh in for doctor's offices and insurance policies.
But the scale can no longer control me.
Why did I decide this? One reason, the Whole 30.
After I finished the Whole 30, I got really obsessed with my weight again (a 13 lb loss in 30 days will do that). So I began to struggle with binge eating in a way that I haven't since I got into recovery for this eating disorder three years ago.
I would do the Whole 30 type eating for a few days and then binge eat. At first I blamed the restriction of the program and went back to counting calories for a while. This worked except for one thing: I started to get nosebleeds, headaches, and joint problems.
The Whole 30 is the optimal way for me to eat. I know this and my rational brain wants to eat this way for the rest of my life. As someone who has struggled with an autoimmune disorder and regular sickness for my entire life, I found freedom and wellness in eating the Whole 30 way that I haven't found in my other 31 years of life.
But when I brought the scale back into the equation (you aren't allowed to weigh in on the Whole 30 at all), I found that I began eating this way for weight loss instead. This led me to make decisions based on what would be best for my weight loss (or cause super fast weight loss) than what would be best for my body.
The thing about Whole 30 eating is that my body self-regulates. It feels amazing and energetic and doesn't overeat. Sometimes I might eat more and sometimes I might eat less based on my hormones. But I never felt the crazy sugar or binge eating hangovers that I felt when I eat other food.
My ultimate goal is to get to a place where I am eating like this ALL THE TIME because it's best for me and because I am a more enjoyable and productive individual at social events when I'm eating this way.
I am going to allow myself some indulgences on Thanksgiving and Christmas with the intention of making my normal weekdays and weekends Whole 30 compliant. But I am actually hoping that by next year, I can even get through the holidays eating in this new healthy way.
It's hard to feel that you are missing out on the fun when you can't eat the delicious holiday food and drinks that people make. But what I am starting to learn is that family is fun, games are fun, giving back is fun, and cooking new and healthy dishes are fun. Nosebleeds, brain cloudiness, and energy depletion are not fun...even if that gluten free cupcake is the most delicious thing on earth.
So the scale has to go. Because it can't be about my weight anymore. It has to be about my health...and the weight loss will follow when it's ready.
Also, pictures (and sizes) don't lie.