Friday, June 5, 2015

When You Finally Admit You Are Broken

I have a secret.

I DO NOT have it all together. I mean, my close friends and family know this (they are probably nodding their heads emphatically right now.) But I think about the image I portray on social media and it makes me think that some people only know me as the person I portray. That person is

1. Always on top of it with exercise
2. Always on top of it with eating right
3. Hilarious
4. Always having a good time
5. Loving life

While I don't think we should air our dirty laundry on social media, I thought I should share some truths with you.

1. I still struggle with binge eating. It's less regular than it used to be, but I have to resist it every single week.
2. I wish I was born skinny. No, I don't wish I was born "healthy or strong or muscular" I wish I was born skinny, like Stana Katic (Castle) skinny. No matter how many hours I work out or how long I count calories, I will never look like that. So, while it's taken me a while to accept that I want to be the best version of my own body, I still secretly harbor a desire to be "skinny." Although, not enough to become unhealthy about it.
3. I get sad and lonely a lot, even though I love my husband and my friends. Some days, I just get sad and can't figure out why.
4. I just started a new It Works! business (see top of page) and I'm scared to death. I have had a business before and it's hard. While I love the products and did my research on the business thoroughly, my fear of failure gets to me sometimes.
5. I have A LOT of anxiety. I get anxious over silly things, real things, made up things. I am an anxious person.
6. I get bored easily, with jobs, with life, with books, with television, and with exercise. Nine weeks into our exercise program, I already am completely bored with the exercises. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me.
7. I feel like a failure as a Christian a lot. Even though I know that the Lord loves me because of my brokenness, I still feel like I could be reading my Bible more, loving more, and serving more.
8. I have a problem with verbal vomit. I say what I am thinking, offend a lot of people who won't tell me they're offended and tend to find out when it's too late. I'm working on it.

All of this honesty to say one thing, I have learned that by admitting my brokenness to myself, the Lord is able to work in me and change things. For a while I was walking around from the health and fitness perspective saying "I've got this" well after my eating disorder had come back full force. Because I couldn't admit my brokenness to myself or anyone else, nothing could change. Brokenness allows for healing and healing allows for growth and change. Let yourself be vulnerable, and see how your brokenness can turn into your greatest strength.

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